For a girl who is supposed

To do a lot of loving

I sometimes do

A lot of hating

I hate me for being so involved with him

I hate him for not being involved enough with me

I hate them for needing him

It’s all so, so unloving

And I never meant it to be that way

All I wanted was a little love

And it certainly started innocently enough

But on our way to finding love

We lost our innocence

When things get really intense between us

We touch and listen to music

And we are so close and so much a part of each other

That way we shut out all the rest of the world

And he promises that some way we are going to be together forever

And I asked why

And he says, “Someday”

Someday I can go to class with him

And someday those tickets I order for the theater will be for us

Someday I’ll be able to call him in the middle of the day

And he’ll drop everything to fin out what’s bothering me

The way it is now I can’t afford to tell him what’s bothering me

Because he loves the no bother of me

No stopped sinks in our relationship

He adores the reality of our unreality

But someday….

Someday, he says

I don’t know what will happen

If I tell him we’re through

I’m not sure I’m strong enough

To study alone every night

And I’m not sure I’m brave enough

To get into a class that’s cold on both sides

And as much as I love

Meeting him at seven

And dread

He is leaving me at ten

What should I do without those hours?

What do I want?

Part-time Khairul?

Or full-time, empty me?

I wish I knew what to do

How do you know when

You want to change your life

And upset a clutch of people

In order to make yourself happy?

When do you decide

You have the right to decide?

More important….

Does he?